Please Take The Time To Heal And Love Yourself

Nourish and Sustain Yourself

Do you know what organ the heart feeds first?
When it pumps blood it first takes the blood it needs for itself
before it sends it out to the rest of the body.

If it didn’t it would weaken and the whole body would die with it.

So taking time to make yourself happy is not in opposition
to making others happy.
It is a necessary part of the process.

You cannot help people if you destroy yourself.
Of course helping people is good.
At a certain point though we need to find ourselves, find our centre.

If your centre is in danger then you must protect it.

Self-Nourishment Is Preparation For Service

I believe in helping others.
Even to the point of personal sacrifice.

But this cannot happen if the sacrifice is too deep.
You must be able to replenish yourself.
You must be able to deeply love yourself.
You must have an unshakable connection with your centre.

Then when you help others it is a conscious choice
then when you sacrifice it is from strength
and not from the thought that you “should”.
Then People will not be able to bleed you dry
of your life energy when you’re helping them.

At that point even if you give your life to help another
or in the service to a cause,
it will be a joy and not a sacrifice.

Focusing On Your Own Well-Being Is Not Selfish

So please do take some time to heal and love yourself.
Keep an image in your mind and heart of a strong, confident and joyous you.
A you who cannot be hurt by anyone or anything
and gives love freely and easily.
Then you will be much better prepared to serve and
Offer your gifts to the world.
And the world needs your gifts,

The Addiction Of Helping

Another point to consider is that it is very hard to help a person
who does not want to be helped.
It is almost seductive to try. It can be very addicting.
I myself have spent decades doing this so I speak from experience.
Exhausting experience.

There are some people who just don’t want to change.
They don’t want to be less miserable.
They don’t want to struggle less.
And that’s okay.

Save your precious energy for your own development

And giving to those who are ready to receive your gifts.

You can always send them a silent prayer
that you wish them well on their journey to the Infinite.
Then send yourself one too and be at peace.

I don’t think anyone is lost really,
just in different places on the same path.
We have different needs depending on where we’re at
And what we’re going through.
I’ve been what looked like lost many times.
But here I am fighting on.

Summary:

Help and nourish yourself.
Help those who you can.
Let go (with love) of those who you cannot.

Fearless parenting

Yesterday a friend asked me how do courage and fear play a role in my parenting? He wanted to know how fear affected my behaviour and how I used courage to deal with that fear.

I thought about it for a while and realized that I have rarely experienced fear as a parent. I experience fear all the time in my life, make no mistake about it!

I’m afraid when dealing with people, I’m afraid when facing challenges, I’m even afraid to call my cell phone company to complain about my phone. I am afraid people won’t like me, I am afraid of a whole crap load of things.

But somehow in my parenting I have not experienced much fear. So I had to think about why this was so.

I came to the realization that becoming a father was very much like situations I have faced in my life when I have been called upon to protect people who are in trouble.

For example one day I was sitting in the Starbucks enjoying a Frappuccino. All of a sudden I heard yelling at the cash. I looked up to see man raising his voice and shaking his fist at the young womyn behind the counter.

I did not interfere because it was none of my business. But as an aware person I kept one eye on the situation.

The man was holding a cup of hot tea in his hand and he became so angry at one point that he started threatening to throw the tea on the girls behind the counter.

The instant that this danger appeared I was out of my seat and standing in front of the man with my hands up.

I moved so fast and so unconsciously I do not even remember walking from my chair to the counter.

I looked into the man’s eyes and immediately felt calm. My main concern was that I was now his focus and I was between the cup of hot tea and the cashier.

As the man turned his attention to me and kept on yelling I realized he had spilled some tea on his hand and burned it quite badly.

He was looking for a napkin, but there were none in the whole Starbucks. They had completely run out and he was freaking because he had burned his hand and couldn’t do anything.

I suppose in the panic of the burn he didn’t think to wipe it on his shirt. But thats how it goes in moments like that.

So this man is now yelling at me and I can see that he is not far from wanting to throw that tea in my face.

I looked into his eyes and I said to him “my friend I am so sorry that you spilled that tea on your hand. I know it must hurt a lot and I feel bad for you. You do not deserve to suffer that pain.”

I also said that it was important for him to realize the womyn behind the counter had nothing to do with the fact that he spilled the tea nor did they have anything to do with the lack of napkins in the Starbucks.

I am quite certain it was not any of their responsibilities to order them and they had no way of knowing that you were going to spill hot tea on your hands.

At this point he started swearing at me and asked “who the F are you?”

I just said to him “I am a friend”

he said “you’re not my friend”

and I looked them in the eye and I said “yes sir I am and you have to leave to Starbucks now. Go home, put ice on your hand and take care of yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself and not you’re not doing that by being here.”

He just looked at me trying to figure me out and then he sighed, relaxed his shoulders, turned around and walked out of the cafe.

I just walked back to my seat calmly as if nothing had happened and the cashiers came over to me. They started shaking my hand and thanking me. I realized that this was probably a big deal to them that I had intervened.

The entire time this was going on I was not afraid. I had no thought for myself whatsoever. I didn’t need courage because there was no fear to overcome.

I knew with absolute certainty that I would be successful in my attempt at removing him from the Starbucks. I did not know 100% that it would be a non-violent eviction, but I knew let’s say 90%!

But I did know that my entire purpose of that moment was to protect those people and to reach out to this man in his pain.

When my daughter was born I entered this same state. I knew that I was here to protect her, to build her up and inspire her to be the best person she could be.

That feeling came upon me, that fearless state where I took no thought for myself and it has persisted until this day.

I am quite certain most of you parents reading this know that feeling.

It is true that I worry about her at times when she is going through difficult situations. But I am Not Afraid for I know I have given her everything that I had. All the love and all the wisdom that is in me.

I know that as she walks out into the world to create her own life she has a solid foundation to guide her through whatever the world throws at her.

I was glad he asked that question. It helped me to make the connection between those experiences. Unconscious, fearless, selfless service. Definitely a goal to aspire to.

 

You Are Perfect – Yes You! (and me too)

In the book Ancient secrets of Success, by Tulshi Sen, it says:
“Your consciousness is perfect and it is stillness.”
AncientSecretsOfSuccess.com

Can I Really Be Perfect?

With all my flaws and mistakes?
With all the dark thoughts I have?
With all the pain I go through?
How can I believe I am perfect?

Well as long as I identify myself as a human with flaws
I cannot believe in perfection.

Perfection Is My Natural State

But my true self is Divine – Perfect – Beautiful.
It cannot be damaged because it is beyond the reach of this limited world
and I can operate from that place if I want to.

In the stillness of meditation
I can find this beauty,
The inner beauty that I am.

I must have the courage to embrace the real me.
To embrace the power available to me.
To embrace my centre.

Perfection Frightens The Mind

My mind cannot understand this truth.
In fact it runs from the idea of perfection.

Try it yourself.
Say “I am perfect.”
And then watch the thoughts that come up.
Perhaps you’re more evolved than I,
but when I do this all sorts of arguments arise.

Some are about me, my obvious imperfections.
Some are about the idea of perfection itself.
“I wouldn’t want to be perfect.”
“Perfection would be boring. There would be nothing left to learn.”
“Perfection isn’t desirable because it’s the flaws that make us human and beautiful.”

I’m pretty smart so I can come up with some convincing arguments.
The problem is that they all revolve around a mediocre definition of perfection.
If my life is boring then it’s not perfect.
If the state I’m in isn’t desirable then it’s not perfect.
If I’m lacking in beauty then it’s not perfect.

“In order to be a perfectionist your definition of perfection must be perfect.”
-Vivek

Go Beyond The Intellect

Clearly it is necessary for me to go beyond my intellect to understand the concept of true freedom. Liberty cannot be achieved while I live with the jailor. My intellect imprisons me in the painful past and traps me in a predictable future.

To create a new life I must leave the intellect behind
and fall into the arms of my Spirit.
There are many fears which will keep me from doing this.
I must turn my fears into love so I can keep moving towards my goal.

If fear stops me – Love propels me.
If fear feeds the ego then Love starves it.
I must immerse myself in love and only then
will I have the courage and the strength to rise above my fears
and take true control over my life and my destiny.

What are the characteristics of this Love I seek?
Love is:

Relaxed
Giving
Confident
Joyous
Fearless
Open
Expansive
Trusting
Wise
Powerful

When you find yourself tense then you are not operating from love.
Relax and let yourself dive into the ocean of love that is all around you.

In the air you breathe,
in the ground you walk upon.
In the flowers and clouds
and every child’s face.

Most of all – in you – your being, your consciousness.

Focus On Long Term Life Skills Rather Than Obedience

One of the things that helped me in my journey
to parent in a different way was to always focus on
the long term life skills that I was teaching
rather than trying to get immediate obedience.

This is quite a radical shift in focus

Letting go of obedience changes how I dealt with everything.
Even regular, day to day events took on a whole new meaning.
Nothing was ordinary.

Yes letting go of obedience is letting go of the ordinary
And our family life has been anything but ordinary.

It certainly takes an extra level of attention to parent this way.
I found I had to always be looking for the lessons that were present.
What can I do in this moment that will help her develop
into the most whole, happy and powerful person possible?

It’s amazing how much richness there is in even the simplest of life’s moments.

The Profound Opportunities of Mealtime

For example at meal times we often want kids to finish their food
and to behave in an orderly fashion.
Stay at the table till you finish and don’t play with your food.
These goals are short term and not very useful as life skills.
And yet they are deeply programmed into us.
They seem so important, until we think deeper.

I prefer to think of meal times as an opportunity to teach profound lessons.
A healthy relationship with food,
with the body,
with nutrition,
with the joy of eating.
To emphasize the joyous social occasion that eating together is.

The Body Is a Wonderful Thing

I will explain to my kid about how wonderful our bodies are
How we use them for play and fun and learning.
Taking care of them is so important
and what we put into them affects how well they work.
I also will talk about how we must balance nutrition and the joy of eating.

I encourage my child to listen deeply to her body and trust its messages.
(Wow, now that’s a radical thing to teach to a child!)

I think these are much more important things to focus on during a meal
than manners and an empty plate.

By enforcing a certain type of behaviour at the table
I’m not actually teaching these lessons.
It may be that on the surface kids will behave well
if we find ways to force them into it.
But teaching lessons that will last a lifetime is another thing altogether.

This Also Increases The Parent Child Bond

You will find that the bond between you and your child gets deeper
when your habitual interactions are focused on improving their lives.
Teaching skills and creating a love of learning
instead of controlling their behaviour
opens the mind and touches the heart.

Not only are you teaching, but you are also growing closer.
This is truly a win-win.

Look For Teaching and Bonding Opportunities In Every Moment

It is possible to take this same idea and apply it to any circumstance.
There are deeper lessons available in almost every moment.

If this type of education becomes your focus
your parenting decisions will change dramatically.
You will find that all your interactions with your child change
and the general level of peace and harmony in your home increases.

Punishment Produces Selfishness – Love Produces… Well… More Love!

One common concept in traditional parenting is the idea that

“Rewarding bad behaviour in children only encourages it.
Instead there should be a negative consequence so that the child learns through
cause and effect that this action is undesirable and will change their behaviour pattern.”

This is backwards thinking.

Punishment Creates Undesirable Behaviour

Punishing, in any way (including the gentle euphemism “consequences”), to correct bad behaviour actually increases the likelihood of it being repeated. Bad behaviour either comes from pain or a lack of understanding.

The purpose of all punishment is to cause pain.
Whether it is physical pain of spanking
Or emotional pain through removal of privileges or a time-out.

If you add to the pain they are already experiencing you increase the cause of the bad behaviour.
And punishments in no way increase understanding.
In fact they decrease openness and willingness to learn.

Love Is The Healing Power

Filling the heart with love is the only way
to heal the pain and thereby heal the cause of the “bad” behaviour.

Dealing with the symptoms instead of the cause will always, only and forever reap superficial results.

Let us understand what is really making them feel bad when they are punished. It’s not the removal of privileges, it’s not the time alone, it’s not even the spanking (though all those things really do hurt). They are just the surface of the pain.

The real pain comes from the withdrawal of love.
We each are born knowing our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally
and when they punish us it hurts because
we feel they are withdrawing their love in those moments.

We depend on them for our emotional sustenance,
For our sense of well-being
For our foundational feeling of worth and self-esteem.

When that foundation is removed the pain is significant.

Punishment increases the very pain that was at the heart
of the behaviour we’re trying to correct in the first place.

Let us look briefly at a couple examples.

1) The time out

When a kid is given a time out they are being told by the people they love the most
And depend for their physical and emotional nourishment that
“I don’t want to be around you right now.
You are not worthy of my presence at this moment.”

I know you aren’t thinking that way, but please just imagine their point of view.
They feel that you are withdrawing your love and approval of them.
And this hurts.

Even if you connect with your kid after and discuss the issue with them
the love comes in after and the damage is done.

2) Removal of privileges

Any restriction of pleasure to modify behaviour is again using pain as a motivating factor.
And while it is upsetting to be denied candies, parties and video games,
the real pain, underlying the surface pain is the denial of love and acceptance.

It is using your power to control another person.
We are teaching that because you’re stronger
or have economic or housing power over them,
this also gives you the right to restrict their freedom.

I mention this because I think it’s important to recognize that this is a relational pain more than a practical one. By using love withdrawal as a way to teach proper behaviour we are damaging our relationship with our kids in a profound way.

This is an effect that will last a lifetime.
It puts a distance between you and your child that you may never be able to bridge.

Focus On The Learning

If we can let them sort right from wrong themselves instead of having it imposed upon them we are setting them up to become lifelong learners. This is how I have approach undesirable behaviours with my kid and the results are amazing.

We are better off inspiring them to think, to feel and to make conscious decisions
About how they treat people, how they treat things and what kind of people they want to be.

The trick is that this can only be done in an atmosphere of freedom.
The freedom to think, explore and trust their own exploration
about what is right from wrong is the EXACT OPPOSITE of punishment.
For if they are going to sort it out for themselves
we cannot punish them when they do it different from us.

Learning is a process. It takes time. It involves making many mistakes.
We must be patient as they go through this journey
and be by their side the whole way.

Love is the Key

True learning and growth come from love, communication and collaboration,
not coercion!

If you want a child to learn to behave better,
to be kinder and more considerate
and you inflict pain upon them in order to encourage them to do this…
Well I hope the inherent contradiction is obvious at this point.
This method will never work.

The only thing that they will do is think about how they are being treated badly,
how they can get away with it next time,
how to avoid the punishment in the future.

Pain Produces Selfishness
Love Produces… Well… More Love!

Even if they do end up being “good” in the future
it will be motivated by an avoidance of the punishment (the withdrawal of love)
and not from a natural and honest desire to do a good and loving thing.
Because the lesson was taught to them in a non-loving state.
This is a fundamentally selfish motivation.
The focus is on their own pain and pleasure,
rather than what they can do for another.

Do you not think it makes sense to teach love for its own sake
rather than as a way to avoid pain?
I do.

Summarizing

It’s fairly simple
In order to teach love we must give love.
If we withdraw love we can only teach the things that come from pain.

Being Nice To Kids Is Not Sheltering Them

My Pain is a Gift

I value the pain I have gone through in my life as a gift. It has taught me a lot and brought me to the place in my life where I am now. And I quite like that place. A lot of the love I have in me has come from a reaction to that pain. So I also would not change what has happened in my life.

At the same time that doesn’t mean that the people who caused me pain were doing a good thing. Even if I learned from it, and it made me a better person that does not make their causing me pain an intelligent, loving or helpful choice. To cause a person pain intentionally is not a good way to live life. Really isn’t that an accurate definition of evil? To intentionally cause a person pain.

But How Will They Learn?

There is a common idea that in order for children to learn how to deal with adversity and pain their parents must not be overly kind and accommodating. Often when I tell people about my gentle, conscious parenting ideas their response is

“How will they learn to deal with adversity if you are always nice to them?”

Looking only at the surface of things I can understand this way of thinking. The problem is that it doesn’t look at how kids actually learn to deal with adversity. Or rather it is not thinking deeply about the attitudes, skills and knowledge kids need to do so.

I think our time is better invested in studying these things
and then consciously passing them on to our children.

They Experience Obstacles From Day One

From the moment we are born we experience difficulty, adversity, pain and obstacles.
We make a sudden and violent transition from being a water creature,
floating in the dark, being fed internally, not having to breathe
and the primary sounds we hear are our mothers heartbeat and breath –
to having to breathe, feeling the pangs of hunger and needing to eat,
dealing with harsh light and sound and fighting gravity.

And that’s day one!

I Don’t Want To Be a Source Of Pain

If I end up being just one more person she cannot count on,
just one more let down in a world of let downs,
then how will she really learn from me?
She may learn in spite of me.
I’d prefer she learn because of me.

Rather than being the source of more pain,
I’d rather be the one who educates my child
on how to deal with it when the rest of the world
brings her pain, strife and struggle.

Inspire, Teach, Educate and Build

To teach her how to cope with loss,
rise up against adversity
and persevere when she feels like giving up.

I want to help her learn how to transform
pain into growth,
hate into love
and obstacles into the rocket fuel
that will propel her into her dreams.

To instil the strength, the self-confidence and the inner power
that will allow her to navigate more smoothly
all the obstacles that I had to struggle through.

Nice Does Not Equal Weak

By being nice to them we’re not sheltering them.
We’re just not adding to the constant bombardment
of negativity and stress that the rest of the world will throw at them.

To Sum Up
Teach the skills necessary to deal with obstacles and pain
Rather than being an obstacle yourself.

Only good can come of this approach.

Happiness is not an emotion, It is a foundation 2

“Happiness is not an emotion,
It is a foundation”
-Vivek

There is a happiness that springs from the core of your being.
This happiness does not fluctuate with the ups and downs of life.
It is not affected by your circumstances.

It is like the calm beneath the surface of the ocean
Regardless of how wild the waves may be, if we go deep enough
There is stillness.

Foundational Happiness comes from touching your Divine Centre

Get a glimpse and it stays with you forever
Get more than a glimpse and you are free

Turn the glimpse into your permanent vision
and … well then the pendulum swings no more

It’s not just a poetic pretty piece of writing
This is practical, achievable and very useful.

When you have this foundation
you won’t need to have a Teflon exterior.
You can be vulnerable and open and free!

Accepting and Experiencing the Full Range of Emotions

An amazing thing about this state is that it is not in opposition to any emotion.
You can feel sad, you can be angry, you can grieve, be hurt and scream and cry…
And be happy at the same time.

Even when you’re happy from some experience, event or achievement
It is always transitory because something else is coming.
The ups and downs are part of the journey of life.

But the inner, solid state continues.

Infinite Awareness

This is because the happiness is the awareness of your
Inner Infinitude
Your Divine Nature beyond the opposites
Existing in Oneness
Peace
And perfect Love in every moment.

Yum.

I See You, I Hear You

We Are In This Together

To be helpful to people we must be able to reach them where they are.

Talking down to someone never lifts them up.
If someone says they’re hurting and I tell them to:
–“Just be detached”
–“Let it go”
–“Don’t believe in the illusion”
they can’t really hear it.
Oh and the worst is:
–“You can choose happiness in this moment.”

There may be truth to these ideas
But getting there is a process.

I See You, I Hear You

When we’re in pain we need to know we’ve been heard.
We need to know that the person who is trying to help us
actually sees us and understands our predicament.

I know the difference very well because I used to be one of those people
Who immediately try and fix people’s problems.
Just listen to me
I have the answer
It’s so easy, just do what I say and you’ll be happy

Haha! At least I can laugh at myself.
I was so arrogant.
Hopefully I’m a little less so now.

A Loving Heart And An Attentive Ear

I have learned that I don’t, in fact have all the answers.
I have learned that more often than not people just need
a loving heart and an attentive ear
and do not necessarily need advice.

When I was younger I used to put myself above other people.
I would preach AT them rather than communicate WITH them.
I believe I was doing this to mask my own pain.

My Mother Does Volunteer Work In Prisons

She teaches self-empowerment workshops to the inmates.
Every guy she has in her class absolutely loves her.
They all say her program is the best they’ve ever taken
And that she’s the best teacher they’ve ever encountered.

One of the primary reasons for this is that she does not place herself above them.
She tells them that they are beautiful, loving and deeply spiritual inside.
They have forgotten that beauty and that love
and her course is about reminding them who they really are

They have made mistakes, but those mistakes don’t have to define them.
They have the option to define themselves if they want to.

She tells them that the reason she knows this is because she’s made so many mistakes herself
That she would really hate herself if she didn’t do this same work she’s encouraging them to do.

She is not above them and teaching them
She is learning with them and sharing her process with them.

This is rare and deeply inspirational to these men.

Learning To Accept Myself Helped Me To Accept Others

I take my mother as an example.
I am learning to love myself and define myself.

As I have become more accepting of my pain, my wounds and my process
I am not longer imagining myself above the world
But am walking along side my brothers and sisters on the path.

This has certainly affected my parenting style as well.
I do not put myself above my daughter in any way.
I do not hold authority over her.
We are equals
Walking the path together.

The Purpose of Meditation

The Purpose of Meditation

Meditation calms the mind.
It helps to deal with difficult emotions.
When chaos enters our lives,
Meditation can help us stay calm in its midst.

It is also beneficial to the body.
Studies have been done to this effect.
Google it if you’d like to learn about that.

Not the Purpose

Yet none of those things are the true purpose of meditation.
They are pleasant side effects.

The purpose of meditation is to discover that you are not the body.
Well it is not quite that we’re not the body,
it’s that we’re not JUST the body.

We are the body, but we’re everything else too.
I am my body, but I’m also yours
We are everything and nothing at the same time.

It’s a Get Out Of Jail Card

Meditation is to release us from the prison of the finite
and allow us entry into the infinite which is our true being.

The mind has its uses,
but it is not the fundamental part of us.
Not essence
though it is made from the essence
as are all things.

We Are Not The Mind

The mind’s main function is to name,
dissect, understand and process information.
It defines.

These activities have to be transcended to find unity.
Unity is our essence and diversity is illusion.
Meditation is to find essence, to find oneness.

When we label things, when we study and understand them
We are necessarily separate from them.
Definitions are limitations.

In our day to day lives this is a very important thing to do.
Both science and art depend upon this skill.
To see the diversity in life and study it,
understand it and to work with it.
Even to celebrate it.

You Are One, Not Two

But in the silence of meditation these divisions fall away.
Separation falls away.
There is nothing to study and nothing to understand
We are the only thing left.

And we soon discover we are everything.

Happy Father’s Day

Happy fathers day to all the conscious dads out there!

Demon Wrestling

Being a dad is a very challenging experience.
In order to be the kind of father that I wanted
I have had to wrestle with many demons.

There are so many programs inside me that try and control my choices.
In order for me to make my own truly conscious choices,
I have to fight every one of them on a daily basis.

Everyday I wake up and my mantra is

“Vivek, try and be a little less of an asshole today
than you were yesterday.”

If I can accomplish that then I have had a successful day!

Perhaps we should call Father’s Day demon wrestlers day!

Balance

Being a good dad has also required me to balance
my Harder and Softer energies within. (I used to say Masculine and Feminine sides)
I believe this is true regardless of our children’s gender,
balancing our inner energies has a profound effect
on the role model that we are for our children.

Perhaps we could rename Father’s Day to gender energy balancing day!

Stand By Your Principles

Many years ago when I decided to parent in a way that was different from the norm
I faced a lot of opposition from family and friends.
Many people told me I would spoil my daughter,
that she would become entitled and selfish because I said yes all the time.

They thought she would have lacked confidence
because I did not get into conflicts with her.
They thought that she would rebel the first chance she got
because no teenager is actually friends with their parents.

Yet in my heart I knew that positive, collaborative, friendship based parenting
was a step forward from the traditional model.
I knew in my heart that this was how I wanted to be as a father.

Courage and Confidence

And so I had to have the courage and confidence to face my family
and not give in to their pressure.
I had to have the courage and confidence to not give in
to the pressures from friends who wanted me to parent in a harsher way.

Sticking to my principles has been challenging at times,
but the rewards have been worth it.
My daughter is generous and loving,
she is kind and confident,
and we are the best of friends.

Perhaps we should rename father’s day to courage and confidence day.

Being a Positive, Powerful, Conscious Father

It seems there are many ingredients that go into
being a positive, powerful, conscious father.
I have only scratched the surface in this post of what my own experience has been.
And I know my journey is far from over.

I honestly wish I knew then when my daughter was very young what I know now.
I certainly made a lot of mistakes in those early years
and would very much like the opportunity to change them.
As this is not possible I can only be the best father I can in this moment
and try and share the message of what I’ve learned
through working at being a conscious parent over the past 20 years or so.

Being a father has been the most challenging and the most rewarding
experience of my life and I’m grateful for every moment.