Archive for October, 2015

The Wig in the Wind

October 31, 2015

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Shopping for Socks

I was in the in a clothing store with my daughter
and as we were about to check out
I saw a sign that said
‘SPC cards accepted here’
It is some kind of student discount card.
This meant that we could get 10% off if we used my daughters card.

I asked her to pull her card out of her wallet,
but she had left it in the car.

Ten percent is ten percent,
so we decided to head out and get it.

As soon as we walked out the door I saw this
old woman running across the parking lot.

The Wig in the Wind

She must have been about 65-70 years old and was
chasing her wig as it was flying away.
It was very windy that day and it had blown off her head.

Super Vivek to the Rescue

There was no way she was going to catch it
so being the hero that I am
I immediately sprang into action!

I started chasing after the wig and yelled back to her:

“Don’t worry ma’am I will get it for you.”

She stopped running and stared after me
as I ran across the parking lot.

That Wig Was Really Moving

And I do think that
just when I started chasing it the wind picked up
and it went even faster.

Every time I was almost upon it
That thing would accelerate.
I practically had to dive for it in the end.

I felt like I was chasing a wild animal a very furry wild animal a very furry wild animal rolling across the parking lot.

The Prey Fell Before My Might

Eventually I got it and held it up in victory.

By that time her daughter had come out of the store wondering where her mom was
and watched me in my hunt.

At that point all of us were laughing hysterically
at this comical show.
I returned her wig to her with a flourish.

They were very grateful.
And we all had a great laugh.

Her daughter helped her put it back on
and my daughter and I retrieved
the SPC card from the car and went back into the store.

The Non-Random Nature of the Universe

The timing of my exiting store was so perfect
for me to be able to help that womyn
that it really made me think about the non-random nature of the universe.

Not an Accident

I do not believe that I just happened to be there at that moment.
I believe everything was set up quite specifically for me to be there at that moment.

Of course there is no way to prove this idea
one way or the other,
but I have had way too many examples in my life
to believe everything occurs by random chance.

Choosing to Wear Ultimate Rose Coloured Glasses

Seeing the world through this lens gives me
a very interesting perspective.

Most of the time I do not think that things happen TO me,
rather I think they happen FOR me.

I have a consciously chosen,
self-reinforcing delusion
about the fundamental benevolence of existence.

That is quite a sentence!

I Falter in this Daily

I don’t always see the world this way.
When I catch myself feeling
like something is happening TO me
and not FOR me

I know it is time to reaffirm my belief
in the non-random nature of the universe.

That mysterious force that
led me to save
that womyn’s wig.

Victory Over Self

October 30, 2015

victory over self

Addicted to Winning

I used to be quite addicted to arguing.
I really wanted to win.

I rarely had an open conversation with anyone
because my focus was on being right.

I’m sure I was very difficult to be around at times!

Compensating For a Lack of Self-Esteem

I think that my sense of self was dependent
upon defeating my opponent.
Even though there really was no opponent.

The only enemy I had was in my own mind.
My lack of self-worth
My fear of not being accepted
These things caused me to act in
self-destructive ways.

Love Doesn’t Need To Argue

Loving wisdom does not concern itself with
winning and defeating.
It concerns itself with uplifting and increasing harmony.

My fear of losing wasn’t about the argument itself.
The fact that I would get caught up in arguing
would leave a painful residue in me
because I was not seeking to express my heart.

My ego shone through my words and actions.
I didn’t know it at the time,
but now I am aware enough to recognize that
I’m filled with ego and am not afraid to admit it.

Love and Kindness are Victories In and Of Themselves

I have learned that my true strength comes from
being able to find kindness in my heart and
feeling free to express it.

When I least feel like expressing it
is when I most need to.

Now instead of getting lost in arguing
And trying to be victorious over another person
I am working on being victorious over myself.

The problem is not the other
It is my own.

The Inner Battle Is A Glorious One

Yet to have the problem of working at
believing in love over hate
and in harmony over divisiveness
is to be truly blessed.

This is a problem I welcome with open arms
This way is more difficult than simply weaving words to appear intelligent.
This is heart intelligence
Soul intelligence
It requires faith, courage and the warrior’s heart

The Ninja Fought the True Enemy

The NIN in Ninjutsu means
patience
persistence
silence

These things are not easily come by.

I strive to embody these qualities
and fight bravely on the battlefield of Love.

Will you join me?

A Short Note About Time

October 29, 2015

A short note about time
Another Life Lesson from TV

I watched an episode of Heroes today with my daughter.
At one point the main character had just found out his
20 something daughter had died.

He was at her bedside and lamenting that they had
wasted so much time fighting.
“Why did we fight and stay separate for so many years?”

This moment touched me very deeply
because this sentiment is a major part of
the parenting philosophy that I have adopted
and that I share with people.

It’s So Easy To Waste Time

We have such a short time on this earth
and only a small portion of that we get to be with our kids.
it seems to me such a waste to spend that time
fighting and disconnected.

That is why I have concentrated on deepening
my relationship with my daughter
above all practical concerns.

Making The Deeper Choice

Anytime there was a choice between something like
obedience, responsibility, respect
or any of the other traditional parenting focuses

and bonding and connecting with my daughter
I always chose the latter.

Increasing the feeling of trust, love, joy and friendship
has been my priority for I knew that I would regret
doing anything else later on.

My Friendship With My Daughter Is Priceless To Me

When I interact with my kid now that she’s over 18
and the feeling between us is so comfortable and natural
I feel blessed beyond belief.

Blessed that I had the insight of focussing on relationship.
Blessed that I had the strength to fight
the traditional parenting mindset
that was in me from my own past.

And blessed that no matter how many times I failed,
how many times I messed up,
I kept reaffirming my priority on connecting with my daughter.

Switch Your Focus To Deepening Your Relationship

When you interact with your child today
(or really anyone you’re close to)
see if you can switch your focus from
the dealing with the behaviour in the moment
to the deepening of connection,
building of trust
and expressing compassion and understanding.

It Takes Effort To Change Your Habitual Priorities

It can feel like a loss of power and control,
but the benefit you will receive is far beyond any
perceived loss.

In fact when you make this different choice
you will feel deeply empowered.

It Feels So Damn Good

This switch of focus will feel so good to you
and it will surprise your kids!

Doing this consistently will increase the harmony in your home
and create a deeper relationship with your children
that will last a lifetime.

When your kids are older and
you look back on your time together
you will experience a deep satisfaction.

You will feel like you maximized the
Love
Joy
Peace
and Depth
of every moment.

Kids who hit – Part 3

October 28, 2015

sometimes when our kids deserve our love the least

Asking Why?

When I think about parenting,
as I do much of the time,
I find myself asking the question “why?” a lot.

Usually asking “why?” helps me to get
at a deeper layer of any situation.

Getting at the Core

I have discovered through my own experience
that the more I deal with a situation
at its deepest level
the more effective
seems to be the resolution.

When I think about people who
do not want their kids hitting them,
which I suppose is most of us,
I try and think of “why?”

Well, on a personal level getting hits doesn’t feel good,
especially when it is out of anger.

From A Child Development Perspective

When I think of the qualities I want to develop in my child,
I think about compassion, patience, empathy and forbearance.

These are the reasons I want my daughter to not hit.
I don’t want her to stop hitting me because
she’s afraid of the consequences.

Fear of Consequences Is A Negative Motivation

Can you imagine if avoiding consequences
was the only reason adults don’t go around
hitting each other whenever they feel like it?

That means if we could get away with it
with no consequences
we would do it.

That’s Not My Idea Of Being A Good Person

I do not want to live in a society
where everyone wants to hit each other
and is only holding back for fear of punishment.

I want to live in a society
where people don’t hit each other
because they have the natural qualities of
compassion,
patience,
empathy
and forbearance.

Therefore it makes sense for me to focus on
creating a foundation of these qualities in my daughter.
If this goal is achieved then her natural personality
will not have the impulse to lash out or hit because of anger.

This desire, for her to not hit
because of these qualities,
comes with a price.

The price is that I must exemplify these qualities
in my own personality
if I am going to authentically pass them on to her.

Kids absorb their environment.
They don’t learn by lecturing.
It’s not what we say that matters,
it’s who we are.

We Must Model The Qualities We Desire and Admire

Therefore your empathy
and all your behaviour
must model what you want from them.

When our children hit us,
if we respond by getting upset
then we are not demonstrating
the very thing we want from them.

We want them to react differently when they are angry.
We want them to not lash out
with their natural tendencies
when they are upset.

And yet that is exactly what we do to them in that moment.

We Must Become Stronger Than Our Habits

This means that if we are going to model a different way of being
we cannot act habitually when we ourselves get upset
when we’re hit by them.

Think of the Big Picture

There definitely can be a tendency to react to this
with the feeling that we are letting them get away with it.

This is when it’s important to think of the big picture.
Remember your real goal is to change cause of the behaviour,
to reach your kids at their core.

For if you only affect the surface of the situation,
the behaviour will re-emerge and probably be stronger than before.

Make Positive Modelling a Priority

In these moments when we are tempted to react
it is important for us to remember that we are modeling first.

It is by surrounding them with
the energy, the vibration of love and acceptance,
and being a solid, consistent example
of all the qualities you want to impart,
that they will absorb them into their being.

This is when it is time to break the traditional approach
And react with love and compassion instead.

React With Love Every Time

React with love no matter how they behave,
no matter how many of your buttons they try and push,
no matter how hurt or angry you are.

React with love in these most difficult moments
and transformation will occur.

Opportunities to Practice

There have been times over the years
that my daughter has lashed out at me.
I know this is natural as I am so close to her.
We often take things out on those closest to us.
Sometimes she needs to vent the difficulties in her life
and it is helpful and safe to do it towards me.

Sometimes I also genuinely annoy her
(as only dads – even cool dads – can do)
and she loses patience with me.

Responding with a Higher Vibration

Whatever the reason
when she does snap at me or something
I just look at her with all the love I can muster
and say
“You’re the best kiddo.
I love you so much.”

And I mean it.
I project it like laser beams!

Sometimes when our kids deserve our love the least
(and when we feel least like giving it)
is exactly when they need it the most.

Believe in the healing and transforming power of love.

Check out part 1 from a few months ago

And part 2 from yesterday

Helping Kids Who Express Anger Through Hitting

October 27, 2015

expressing anger through hitting
Having A Conversation About Parenting… Again!

I was hanging out with my dear friend Amy this weekend
and we were having a discussion about kids.
You can’t really spend more than 5 minutes with me
without that topic coming up!

She asked me how I would suggest dealing
with a 2 year old boy who has begun hitting.

Expressing Frustration and Anger Through Hitting

It is her nephew whom she loves dearly.
Lately he has taken to hitting when he is frustrated.
She wants to help him through this so that he
no longer takes out his frustration in this physical way.

Sometimes he hits her on the arm or leg
and it really hurts.

She was thinking that it makes sense to express this
Pain to him and show him some sort of authentic reaction
So that he knows the effects of what he’s doing.

Choose An Approach That Achieves The Highest Results

I do understand the idea behind this approach,
The problem is it won’t actually achieve the result that she wants.
The best outcome would be that
he learns discernment
and develops empathy
so that he feels the right and wrong forms of hitting.

I have never been a fan of the phrase
“Hands are not for hitting.”
Because in fact that is one of their primary purposes.

There Are Appropriate Times To Hit

There are many positive and enjoyable times to hit things.
For example in every form of martial arts
We learn to hit each other.
This is done in a consensual and extremely enjoyable manner.

There are many powerful benefits to the martial arts.
We learn self-control, discipline, a sense of empowerment
And one of the main things that is taught
Is the responsible and intelligent use of power.

My Daughter Learned To Hit In A Positive Way

I taught my daughter martial arts literally from the day she was born.
And I use the word literally literally!

She has learned to hit extremely effectively.
her ability to defend herself is significant.
(you really don’t want to get hit by her!)

When we practice martial arts we have often hit each other
even to the point of giving each other bruises.

We both love these experiences.
In fact we treasure them and they bring us closer together.
We laugh about these times for days and days.

And yet our relationship is one of
deep affection and gentle respect.
She is a very kind, compassionate and patient person.

There Is Positive Hitting In Sports As Well

Another positive expression of hitting is in sports.
In baseball we use a bat to hit a ball
In football we tackle each other
In hockey there is checking

All of these are different forms of hitting
and are part of these enjoyable games.

Self-defence or Protecting Someone Else

There are also moments when hitting might be necessary
for self-defence or to protect someone else.

As a martial arts and self-defence teacher
it is part of my responsibility to teach the discernment necessary
to know when this might be appropriate.

In 99 cases out of 100,
or perhaps 999 cases out of a 1000
it is possible and preferable to deal with
potentially dangerous situations
using verbal diffusion and emotional connection.

Being aware of one’s surroundings and environment
and avoiding dangerous situations all together
is much better than ever having to use violence.

Being Prepared For That One Time Is Intelligent

But there may come a time when one must physically defend oneself
or use physical violence to protect someone else.
In that moment it is good if one is prepared and able
to do what is necessary to preserve life.

Once again we see the importance of discernment.

Uncommon Acceptance Opens Doors

So then Amy asked me
“What do I do in the moment when he actually hits me?”

I said that the important thing is to connect with him
and make him feel accepted.
Making him feel bad won’t inspire him to
be open to your guidance.

My tendency in that moment would be to say
“Wow that was a really good hit.
You are so good at hitting.
Hit me one more time.”

I know this seems like, from the traditional mindset
that we are rewarding bad behaviour.

Connecting With Where He Is In The Moment

In fact what is happening is that
we are connecting with this young person
so they can feel loved and safe enough with us
that they can hear our guidance
without being made to feel bad about themselves.

When this little two year old expresses his frustration
through the natural impulse of hitting
He’s not being bad.
He is acting on instinct.

That moment of connecting with him will open a door
and make it easier for him to allow Amy into his heart.

From The Place of Connection and Acceptance
We Can Teach and Guide

Once she is in she can then begin the process of
teaching him the discernment and understanding
necessary to choose when and what it is appropriate to hit.

Offering Alternatives

At that point she is also able to offer him
alternative ways to express his perfectly natural feelings.
This is where true guidance and education happen.

He would not be as open to looking at different approaches
if he is feeling judged and less worthy of love.

Negative Reinforcement is Teaching Through Fear

I know someone who taught his infant daughter to not pull hair
by pulling her hair and causing her pain every time she pulled his hair.
He somehow had convinced himself that he was teaching her empathy.
instead of inspiring fear in his daughter.

Teaching kids through negative reinforcement
is a surface level and shallow way
to approach something so deep.

Taking an approach based on
connection, acceptance,
communication and reasoning
is always more powerful than attempting to
control and modify behaviour from the outside in.

Amy Resonates With The Idea

Amy seemed very touched with these ideas.
I love her!
She’s so open and loving.

She deeply wants to take the most
loving and effective approach.

I know that her nephew is blessed
to have her as a guide in his life.

Be Patient With Yourself, Be Patient With Your Kids

October 26, 2015

Be Patient with yourself and kids
One of the most important skills
to develop as a parent is patience.

Both patience with our kids
and patience with ourselves.

Self-Love And Compassion

Patience with ourselves comes from
developing a strong sense of self-love and compassion.

Parenting is hard work,
and conscious parenting is super hard work.

Much of the effort required is in personal development.
In order to be continuously evolving as a parent
we must be continuously evolving as a person.

Personal Development Requires Much Patience

This means a constant attention to
our own inner triggers and wounds.

It means working at giving ourselves
more love and more compassion today
than we had yesterday.

The more effective we are at being patient with ourselves
the more effective we will be in being patient with our children.

The Importance Of Having Patience With Our Children

Our kids can really push our buttons
so having patience with them is of the utmost importance.

As our young beings learning to navigate this difficult world
It is vital that they can feel free to make mistakes in our presence
For it is in making mistakes and learning from them
That they can experiment with life and learn freely.

Teach Kids To Make Mistakes Freely

Our ability to embrace their mistakes
is part of creating a foundation of lifelong learning.

You just have to take 5 minutes to read any comments section
on any post on any website or Facebook page on the Internet
to see scores of people afraid to consider alternate ideas
or communicate about differences of opinion.
There is always so much defensiveness and aggressiveness in these interactions.

A lot of that comes from not being able
to be free with making mistakes
and being wrong as children.

Fear of Mistakes = Fear of Change

One of the biggest dangers
of considering an alternative idea
is that it may force you to change
something you already think or believe.

If we are uncomfortable, or more commonly even afraid
of being wrong then we simply cannot allow ourselves
to seriously and objectively evaluate different ideas or opinions.

Patience With Kids Creates Open Minds And A Willingness To Learn

So having patience with our kids
is part of the process of teaching them
to have an open mind.

When they are wrong or make mistakes
and we are able to react in calm and supportive manner
they learn that they are not less worthy in those moments.

As they grow older they will develop the skill of
embracing their own mistakes and learning from them
because you have given them the space to do so.

Mistakes Contain Valuable Information

I read on the internet somewhere the saying
“Mistakes are data.”

I love this because a mistake is not
a reflection on your worth or value as a person,
it is in fact information you can use to evolve.

Give Your Kids The Gift of Your Patience

If this is the attitude our kids can develop
through their own experience and also
through the way we interact with them
when they do make mistakes

we are giving them a powerful skill
that will be of great benefit to them their whole lives.

Uncovering Natural Generosity

October 25, 2015

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Spending time in the universe of a 3 year old.

Today I was playing with a beautiful young girl of about 3 years of age.
She was asking me all sorts of questions
and we were discussing interesting things
in a way that you can only do with a three year old!

At one point she found a little elastic hair tie and asked me what it was.
I told her it was for tying up hair
and to show her that it was stretchy
I held it in my hands for a moment and pulled it back and forth.

A Moment of Possessiveness

I think she might have thought I was going to take it from her
so she snatched it back from me and said
“It’s mine!”

I said to her
“Of course it is yours my dear.
I am very happy that you found it
and I would never try and take it from you.”

She seemed satisfied with that and we continued to play.

At one point we were by the railings at the top of the staircase.
She wanted to put her head through the railings and look down.

A Dangerous Desire

She was small enough that she could easily
fit in the space between the rails
and could possibly fall.
So this was a dangerous thing for her to want to do.

Rather than caution her against to doing it
or even more directly telling her not to do it,
I explained to her what the potential danger was
and how to take good care of herself
while still getting to do what she wanted.

Validating Her Desire, Modifying it for Safety

I said to her that looking through the railings is a lot of fun,
I certainly enjoy doing that as well
The thing is, I like you so much I do not want you to get hurt
so it is important to do it in a way that you will be safe.

I suggested to her that she keep one arm around one bar
and the other around the next one, with a third in her middle.

That way she would be safe
and could freely stick her head through the bars
and look down the long staircase.

Again she was really excited
that I made it possible, safe and enjoyable
for her to do something that she really wanted to do.

Kids Are Open To Suggestions When They Feel Validated

After looking out into the vastness of space,
which is what looking down the staircase seemed to her,
she held the hair tie out over the open air
and asked me if she could drop it.

Wanting to validate her desire again
I said to her that the hair tie was small and
certainly wouldn’t hurt anybody if she dropped it
therefore it is a wonderful and exciting thing to do.

I said that if it was something heavy
it might hurt somebody and we wouldn’t want to do that,
but the fact that she wanted to throw the hair tie
shows that she really understood.

She liked this answer and together
we looked down as she dropped it
watching it fall.

Going on a Treasure Hunt

Then she looked at me and said
“Let’s go find it.”

So this little divine angel, her mother and I
walked down the stairs looking for the hair tie.

Her mom was actually the one to find it and I said
“Of course mom found it, your mom is the best.”

Showing Appreciation

She was then leaving to go home and I said to her in parting
“It was so nice spending this time with you.
I enjoyed every minute because
you are wonderful and smart and funny and amazing.”

At that moment I believe all the positive interaction
with me touched something in her heart.

Spontaneous Generosity

She looked at me and
with a little hopeful smile
held up the hair band.

The same hair tie
that she was so happy to find.

The same hair tie
that she was attached to
and snatched out of my hands,

and said
“Would you like this?”

Holding back tears I replied
“Oh my goodness, this is the most wonderful gift.
Thank you so much, you are so generous.”

Two Spirits Connected
Distance Obliterated

Our interaction was so nourishing,
validating and connecting.
We were both touched deeply by the experience.

In this environment her natural generosity sprang forth.
She spontaneously wanted to give back to me
and do something to make me feel happy.

It was almost as if that hair band
was leaping out of her hand,
leaping from her heart
to mine.

Young People Are Capable Of So Much More
Than We Usually Give Them Credit For

This was yet another reminder for me
that young people
and perhaps, dare i say, all people
have a natural goodness within.

Sometimes the trials of life can cover this up
or obscure its purity,
but it doesn’t take much to reveal the light inside.

The Common View Of Children Is
Unnecessarily Negative

That moment when she snatched it out of my hand,
that is what we often see young children do.
It is common to think that is how kids are.

I frequently hear adults talking about kids
like they are very self centered,
they are only looking out for themselves at that age
and do not understand empathy.

There is this view all children have to learn these things.
That it is not natural within them.
People will often cite brain development
and other serious things like that.

We Can Choose To See Greatness In Our Kids Instead

And yet I have found time and time again,
honestly without fail,
that given the right environment and interaction
all children respond with empathy, love and generosity.

I am holding that little brown hair band
in my hand at this very moment as I write this.

I Am Full Of Gratitude

I have tears welling up in my eyes and feel choked with emotion
thinking about how powerful that little girl’s love really is.

She gave me a great gift today
and I am deeply grateful for it.

Rationality Does Not Equal Reality

October 24, 2015

Rationality does not equal reality

Logic is Personal

Our perception of the world
and of reality itself
Stems from what seems
reasonable and rational to us

And yet it is not objective reality that we are experiencing.

What you feel is completely rational and logical
may not necessarily be so

There are many forms of logic and rationality
Perhaps there are as many forms as there are people?

There Is The Temptation To Impose Our Rationality On Our Children

This is especially important to remember as a parent.
It can be so easy for us to impose
our form of rationality and logic
on to our children.

Especially when it seems like their sense of rationality
is so out of whack with what we consider reality.

Kids Live In Their Own Reality

And yet kids really do live in a different reality from adults.
Their sense of rationality is perfectly logical from their perspective
even if it seems crazy to us as adults.

Respecting My Daughter’s Reality

From the day she was born
I chose to respect my daughter’s sense of reality
as equal to my own.

Even if I couldn’t experience it directly
I decided I would not hold her reality
as less valid.
Nor hold my version of reality as superior
in any way.

This can be very frustrating because
I naturally see my own sense of rationality as correct.

It has been challenging to constantly practice seeing
that my rationality is not necessarily reality.

Making The Choice To Follow Her Reality

Whenever there arose a situation in which
our values were different,
when we were seeing reality differently,
I would usually defer to my daughters intuition
rather than impose my own.

This has led to her having
a very strong belief in her own intuition
because I have always believed in it.

Creating an Inner Strength and Self-Confidence

As she grows into a young adult
and goes off into the world
she will know inside that she can trust her sense.

She also has developed the ability to
respect other people’s perspective
because that’s the model she’s grown up with.

Strive To See Your Kid’s Reality As Equal To Your Own

If you see your rationality as right
and your kid’s as wrong
you will always be struggling with each other

But if you are able to take your sense of rationality
and your child’s as equal,
even when they are very different,
then you’ll be able to work together
and find your way to greater and greater
harmony and connection.

The Ocean Cannot Abandon The Wave

October 23, 2015

The Ocean Cannot Abandon The Wave

The Wave and the Ocean are One

The ocean cannot abandon the wave
any more than the wave can abandon the ocean.

In reality they are inseparable
They are one and the same.

Despite all appearances to the contrary
The divine can never abandon you
And you can never abandon it.

Oneness is Not a Choice, It is Fundamental Reality

This is not because the divine is all loving and wonderful
Nor is it necessarily because you have great faith,
although you very well may.

The reason you cannot abandon
or be abandoned by the divine
Is because you are the divine.

There is no part of you that is not divine
Just like there is no part of the wave that is not ocean.

We Have Access To The Divine Power

And because we are divine
we have access to the full power of divinity

We are not borrowing this power
We are not using some external power
We are not “channelling” power from somewhere else

It is ours
Or more accurately
It is us

Removing the Illusion of Separation

If your religion or idea of spirituality
requires you to have some separation
between you and the divine,
like a separate god or goddess that you worship,
then this idea will be very hard for you to hear.

It is all about removing separation.
Or rather realizing that there never was a separation.

This is not an easy thing to do
I myself AM always struggling with it.

The Struggling Wave

It seems a funny picture to me,
The wave struggling
to believe it is ocean.
Preposterous truly.

And yet here I am struggling as I do
Day by day
minute by minute

The Laughing Wave

At least I can laugh at myself
And I do
Day by day
Minute by minute

Life would be far too difficult
if I couldn’t laugh at myself.

Positive Self-Soothing

October 22, 2015

Positive self soothing
There are many people who are advocates of
the concept of teaching kids to self-soothe
when they are upset or crying.

The Ability To Care For Ourselves Is Vital

In fact the idea of self-soothing is a very positive goal.
The problem is the way in which the traditional approach
Attempts to teach this to kids.

Being able to give ourselves self-love and support
when we are going through a difficult time
is a powerful skill to have.

If we can teach this skill to our children from the earliest age
we are giving them something so valuable.

Don’t Abandon Your Kids To Their Misery

The thing is though, teaching kids to self soothe
does not mean leaving them alone in a room to cry
hoping they will eventually stop.

They Learn Fear And Pain

There’s nothing soothing about this experience.
It is terrifying, painful and deeply wounding.
Even if they do stop crying
it is because they have given up hope
of receiving the love that they are so deeply desiring.

What they end up learning is acceptance of pain
and repressing their desire for love and support.

Offer Your Love and Support Unconditionally

If we really want to teach kids to self-soothe
we must offer them the love and support
they need in difficult moments.

We must offer it deeply, consistently and unconditionally.

It is by giving them the repeated experience
of comfort and care when they are hurting
that they will learn to give it to themselves.

Consistent Love and Attention Send a Powerful Message

It becomes their inner understanding
that when they feel pain
they receive love and comfort
rather than abandonment and fear.

If we abandon them in times of despair
they do not develop confidence,
they develop a fear response.

Raising Confident And Independent Kids

Teaching kids to self soothe is extremely valuable.
It is in the same category as teaching kids to think for themselves,
to know and listen to their own bodies,
and to make intelligent independent decisions.

For all of these things they need our support.
They need to know that they can rely upon us
as their solid foundation
so that as they grow up they can face
and deal with any obstacle in their path.

Let your Kids know you are Always There

So when your kids cry,

Pick them up
Hold them close
Let them know you’ll always be there for them

You are not creating dependence.
You are creating a foundation.

Then they can go out into the world
prepared to deal with what whatever comes their way
from a place of Independence and self-confidence.