Biting Is Awesome

No Biting Please

A few years ago a friend of mine and I were playing with a lovely and energetic 2 year old.

 

At one point he was climbing all over my friend and having a great time. Suddenly he bit the guy right on the chest… Ouch!

 

My friend, who is very gentle and loving, said “no biting please” in a very calm tone. There was no judgement or anger in his voice.

 

Of course knowing what I know I realized that was not going to stop the little one from biting, but was actually going to make him want to do it more!

 

So immediately jumped in and enthusiastically proclaimed:

 

“Biting is AWESOME!”

 

They both stopped for a moment and just looked at me. This is not the type of thing people are used to hearing in those moments. I kid of love that it was surprising to both chid and adult.

 

**Validate the Impulse – Redirect the Behaviour**

 

I grabbed a pillow from the couch and bit it, shaking my head and growling like a dog.

 

The kid started laughing immediately and I gave him the pillow to bite as well. He copied me growling and shaking his head.

 

Then I joined him and the two of us had the same pillow in our teeth and were biting the corners like dogs fighting over a piece of meat!

 

It was quite dramatic and hilarious.

 

The beauty of starting this way is I’m not operating from a mindset of wrongness. Wrongness, even gently expressed, causes kids to put up defenses. It’s very hard to get through that shield once it’s in place.

 

**Offer a Suggestion Once Connection is Established**

 

At some point I said to him “Biting things is awesome, it feels good. It’s so much fun. Biting people isn’t so great because it could hurt them. There are so many things we can bite and it’s so much fun. I LOVE biting with you and I want to do more!”

 

After another minute of competitive pillow biting he went back to climbing on my friend.

 

I could see the urge to bite suddenly come upon him and he paused… He looked at me, grabbed a pillow and brought it to me to bite, which I did so vigorously of course!

 

Then he grabbed it and started biting it as well.

 

This happened four more times over the next few minutes.

 

**A 2 year old Learns Self-Regulation**

 

Every time he went to bite my friend he remembered how much energy I gave him for his biting and how much fun we were having doing it. I Was Myself quite amazed at how quickly and how well he took to this.

 

Even though I teach it, it still seems so wonderful to me how effective it is when we go with our children’s direction and what a difference it makes.

 

**Going With**

 

It can be challenging, but if you can try “going with” your kids impulses and directions, rather than correcting them, you might find that things can shift in unexpected ways. We can tend to resist this idea, especially in the more difficult moments, with the more difficult behaviors.

 

**A New Way of Relating**

 

The hard part about this is of course it goes against so much of what we’ve learned and experienced over our lifetime. We are taught that if we don’t maintain control, our children will control us.

 

So many of our systems are built this way, the education system, legal system, correctional system… it’s not surprising that the family system is also modeled this way.

 

The idea that we are “condoning bad behaviour” is deeply set in mass consciousness. Few people take the time to really question it. Wrongness never teaches the deep lessons nor does it inspire self-awareness.

 

Note how this wonderfully rambunctious 2 year old was able to operate so consciously with so little input. I know everyone says kids have little impulse control. I know this is true in a way, but what is impulse control? It means forcing ourselves to do something we don’t want to do, to resist our ‘impulses’.

 

I made self-regulation appealing! I also helped him notice the impact of his biting without any wrongness. He didn’t need to “control” anything.

 

It’s what I call SMSR vs FMSR

Self-Motivated Self-Regulation vs Fear-Motivated Self-Regulation. I have had such amazing experiences with countless kiddos over the years using this approach. Read through my articles and watch my videos, you’ll find so many examples.

 

If we can change our way of thinking from one of control and competition to a mindset of cooperation, collaboration and connection, then we can teach our kids whole new way of relating.

 

The next time you want to help your kiddo with something, consider this story. See how you can implement the same approach and mindset. Connect, validate, go with and guide.

 

This creates a much deeper and closer relationship with them. It increases the trust our kids have in us and in our guidance. It nourishes their ability to think for themselves.

 

It will take some effort for us to adopt such a different way of approaching those moments, but the results are worth it.

 

If you have a chance to try this, let me know how it goes.

 

Peace,

Vivek