Archive for the ‘Romance’ Category

The Question of Expectations in Relationships

January 8, 2016

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The Question of Expectations in Relationships

I have been thinking about the question
of having expectations in relationships.

Have no expectations and you’ll never be disappointed

The typical “spiritual” thing to say is that
we should never have expectations of others.
If we do we will always be disapointed.

We cannot control what anyone else does,
so having expectations of them is fruitless.

Accept everyone as they are

There is also the idea that
having expectations of others is
not accepting them as they are.
It is trying to make them fit an
image of our own creation.
(Don’t try and change me!)

If you want to be in an
authentic relationship with someone,
be with them completely in the present moment.
Don’t expect anything of them
except for them to be exactly as they are.

I don’t really agree with that

It seems unrealistic and out of reach for us humans.

Having expectations in relationships makes sense

I think that any relationship I am in
I have certain expectations that make perfect sense.

In fact I believe it’s necessary in order
to have a healthy relationship.

I also think it’s important for people
to have certain expectations of me as well.

I want to be treated well

I have expectations to be treated
with a certain amount of respect, compassion and care.

Without this I will not be able to set healthy boundaries.
I will not know when I’ve had enough of
being treated less well then I deserve.
I may not be able to recognize signs of abuse.

Looking at it this way expectations can be
very useful in creating successful relationships.

Expectations have to be set and managed intelligently

The problem comes when:

1) The expectations are unreasonable or inappropriate.

2) We react badly when they’re not met.

Communication is key

In a good relationship I think these expectations
should be discussed,
mutually understood
and agreed upon.

The process of meeting them consistently requires
each person to work and change.
Therefore it also takes patience and understanding
as we undergo this process.

Forgiveness is a must

When they are not met it is important
for us to be forgiving and loving.

As long as both parties are committed
to treating each other well and
improving our ability to do so,
mistakes can be discussed, worked through and learned from.

Relationships are evolving entities
so the expectations will change
as we ourselves change.

This means constantly revisiting them
in an open and communicative way.

There are three basic areas of expectations:

1) Expectations I have of the other
2) Expectations they have of me
3) Expectations I have of myself

In each of my relationships these expectations
are different and I deal with them differently.

The expectations I have of my mechanic
are very different then the ones I have of my friends
which are also different from the ones
I have of my romantic partner.

As a martial arts teacher I certainly think
that my students should have
very high expectations of me
and I strive to meet them.

I have high expectations of myself

In order for all of this to work well
the most important ones are
the expectations I have of myself.

I think it’s good to have very
high expectations of oneself.
I like to strive towards an ideal of having
high integrity,
deep compassion
and unconditional love.

I must also treat myself with kindness and patience

The problem with this comes when
they’re accompanied by
impatience and self-condemnation.

When you can have high expectations and also a loving approach to acheiving them… then you’re on the right track!!

This will also help us to have high expectations
of the highest good from others,
but with love, patience, forgiveness and non-judgement.

Working together towards the highest good

This creates mutually supportive situation
where everyone involved is working towards
the highest good
for themselves,
the other and
the relationship.

N.B.
How this whole thing plays out in parenting is a topic for another blog post. Keep an eye out!

The Foundation of Wild and Enduring Romance

September 27, 2015

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2 powerful centers come together

The only way to have a deep, fulfilling and lasting
romantic relationship is for both people to be solid at their centres
(or at least consciously working on solidity)
and to bring those strong and independent centers together
to increase and amplify each other.

If I don’t need you to fulfill me
and you don’t need me to fulfill you
and we come together to fulfill each other,
amazing things can happen!

Be Open and Vulnerable

And Yet…

If we do not let ourselves be vulnerable to each other
and allow the other person in soooo deep
that we can be wounded by them,

If we do not open the secret compartments
where our soft and weak places exist,
if we refuse to give our lover any power over us,

then true romance cannot blossom.

Safety Limits Intimacy

If you try and keep yourself safe
You will not be able to express the fullness of your romance.

If you hold parts of yourself back
they will form obstacles to true intimacy.

This kind of relationship can possibly be a fun time,
a convenient arrangement,
even somewhat passionate perhaps,

But still safe

Romance Isn’t Safe

Romance isn’t safe
it’s wild
and uncontrolled.

That is one of the reasons why it’s so difficult
and painful
and also why it is so Glorious.

When we give our hearts to another
and when we receive the same,
it is an awesome responsibility
that requires we be our best.

Can You Live the Dangerous Life?

Are you willing to open up completely?
Are you willing to keep opening day after day, year after year?

Are you able to live with your most vulnerable places exposed?

Are you willing to be strong enough and have powerful integrity
to handle the responsibility of caring for your lover’s most vulnerable heart?

If you can answer yes to this,
and be willing to continuously work at this,
then you have the foundation for
a truly passionate, wild and enduring romance.

Some Vivek Style Relationship Advice for the New Wife and Husband

August 29, 2015

Some Vivek Style relationship advice
My Neice is getting married tomorrow.
Here is the letter I sent her and her new husband.
Sharing some of my ideas for an enduring relationship.

Be A Mirror

Reflect the good qualities of your partner to them at least once a day.
Reflect to them also what they need to improve upon when necessary.

Being an effective mirror is a great gift to each other.
In an intimate relationship we can often see each other more clearly than we see ourselves.
If we trust our partners we will receive their reflections with humility and grace.

In both the giving and receiving of these reflections
we lift ourselves and each other up on a daily basis.

Be The Moon

Just as the moon reflects the Sun and lights up the world at night
so can you reflect the light of the Divine in your partner’s life.
You can shine a light for them in their dark times.

This of course requires that you develop the connection to the Divine light within you.
For you can only shine the Light to the degree that you are able to access it yourself.

This leads perfectly into the next point

Devote Yourself To A Life Of Continuous Self-Improvement

If you can find something in yourself to celebrate every day
and if you can find something in yourself to change every day
then you are truly on the path of self-development.

By doing this you develop your inner world so that
what you are expressing and sharing with your partner
is constantly being elevated.

Imagine the wonder and joy if both of you are doing this on a daily basis.
There is no limit to how far you can lift yourself and help to lift the other.

Consciously embarking on the adventure of mutual growth
is one of the greatest opportunities in your lives.

Communicate

Effective communication is the cornerstone of harmonious interaction.
It is not always an easy task especially when emotions are involved,
but that is precisely when it becomes most necessary.

Learning to communicate well requires both the acquiring of specific skills
and developing a deep willingness.

Learning to listen deeply, express yourself honestly
and include compassion in the mix is a good start.

Like any skill it requires continuous practice to become proficient.
So make sure you take the opportunity to communicate deeply with each other as often as possible.

Don’t let things fester in your subconscious.
The residue it leaves in your heart is difficult to remove years down the road.
It is better to open yourself to your partner and share what is on your mind in the moment.

Sometimes the moment is too charged with emotion
so it might make sense to wait a bit until everyone is calm
before trying to have an intelligent conversation about a situation.

But really, waiting a few years just doesn’t work out well for anyone.

Take Responsibility

In every situation between two people
both play a part in what’s happening.
It makes sense to evaluate your part as honestly and objectively as possible.
If you are able to do this then you will greatly reduce blame in your relationship.

Blame is a toxic poison that will eat away at the intimacy between you.

Be quick to apologize when you are able to identify something
you have done that was less than optimal.

In other words; when you screw up say sorry.

The acknowledgment of your responsibility
can make a huge difference in how you are received
as you work to resolve any situation.

Romance Comes From Connection:
Spiritual, Emotional, Mental And Physical
(In That Order)

Try and always remember that it is the spiritual connection between you that will allow your relationship to endure.

Seek to deepen it every chance you get.
All the other levels of connection flow from this foundation.
If it is ignored you will soon feel its effects.

From the spiritual will flow the emotional, mental and physical connection between you.
Each of these of course needs maintenance in their own way.

Take time to nurture your emotional connection,
put effort into your mental, intellectual connection.
And of course celebrate the joy of your physical connection.
It is a wonderful reflection of your spiritual bond.

Never be too busy to look into each other’s eyes
and remember why you’re together.
And if you ever forget,
take the time to remind each other,
through your words, actions and your hearts.

Be your best and bring your best

All of this can be summed up in this simple saying.

Be your best and bring your best

In every relationship in your life,
this philosophy can be the guiding principle.

It works with friendship and family.
It is the most important thing to keep in mind as a parent.
It is also pivotal in a marriage.

Continuous effort and attention on yourself and your relationship
will create the most beautiful fragrance
in the ever blossoming flower of your romance.

I hope these words can be of some assistance to you
as you begin this new phase in your life,
this grand journey together.

Blessings to you,
Love,
Vivek

Romance is a YinYang

February 12, 2015


A powerful romantic relationship reflects Divine Reality.
Really this is true of any relationship, but I’m going to focus on romance at the moment (mmmmmm…).
The journey to create a good relationship with a long term partner is a hard one.
Much inner and outer work is required.

Romance is a YinYang

In the universe there are always two –
the Yin and Yang.
When they are balanced and harmonious,
everything runs smooth.

When they enter into perfect balance they become one –
Yet they remain completely different.
This seems like a paradox
and it is!
But isn’t the whole universe a paradox?

If we look at the YinYang we can see that the Yin becomes Yang only in its most perfect and extreme expression (the dots).
It’s very difficult to achieve a harmony if we are avoiding one or the other.

We have both of the opposites within us, masculine and feminine.
The imbalance in society of these energies causes an imbalance within each of us.
This means that inside our beings the masculine and feminine are fighting each other for dominance. They are in a power struggle.

Harmony of the Opposites

So one of the first steps on the path is to have them get along, become best friends, to find a balance and a harmony with each other.

As this begins to happen, we can express the same harmony on the outside. The balance between the two will be different for each person. When we become comfortable with both our masculine and feminine sides then we can freely decide how we want to express them in our personalities.

At this point our expression is not about avoiding one or the other. It’s not about a struggle or a reaction to trauma. Regardless of whether we choose to express more masculine energy, feminine energy, a perfect balance between the two or to express neither, it will be a choice made in a state of freedom. This will bring us closer to being our authentic selves.

Authentic Attraction

When two (or more?) people come together who have similar states of authenticity then a deep resonance happens. This is where great relational power is created. This where magic can happen.

If we can continue to grow to deeper levels of self-knowledge together, and even push, support and guide each other along the way, then the magic becomes enduring.

Every day in this type of relationship is work, but work that inspires and enriches our lives. Glorious work!

Romance is my Religion

February 1, 2015

Romance is my religion
Romantic love is more than a reflection of Divine Love.
In its evolved state it IS Divine Love.
This is because when romance reaches its peak it becomes worship.

I worship the Divine One in you
and I expose fully to you the Divine One in me.
All of you becomes one with all of me.

Nothing is held back.
There is no fear or self-interest
In fact there is no self!

The illusion of 2 is shattered
and our essential Oneness is revealed.

This is true worship, when you see yourself in the other
and the other in you

Then Romance can be your Religion
Sex can be a ritual of deep spirituality
A kiss can transport you beyond the limits of time and space.

And just a look from your lover,
the sound of their voice
or the feeling of their breath on your skin
Reminds you that this moment is perfect and complete
and it always is.

Seeking Romance!

January 28, 2015

My desire for romantic connection comes from my desire to feel complete.
When we are in love we feel more complete, we feel the void is filled.

And yet only Divine Completeness is enduring.
Romantic completeness is but a reflection, a glimpse of the Divine Completeness.

Divine Completeness is the only one that satisfies.
In fact when I am truly Complete there will be no one left to satisfy!
For I will be One.

So feel free to seek romantic completeness Vivek,
but do not be fooled into thinking it is a solution to your inner problems.
Do not seek it to feel less lonely, nor to fill the void within.

For these motivations will always lead to heartache.

Do it because you WANT to, because it feels good and brings you joy.
These are very excellent reasons to seek romance!

There is a subtle difference between these motivations.
One is running from the bad
The other is seeking the good.

Yet there is an even higher motivation in seeking romantic completeness
and in expressing romantic love.

To be a reflection of Divine Completeness and Divine Love!

If this can be what is in your heart,
then your romance will be pure and
lift the two of you higher than you can imagine.